Tradwives are turning a life plan into an aesthetic

Why we should warn little girls that getting married and having kids is not something women can simply swipe up once they get bored.

Although I'm a very romantic person, I'm not willing to sacrifice my freedom. Love requires a certain amount of sacrifice from both sides, but not at any cost.

I absolutely don't want to get stuck in a relationship that makes me feel I could have done better than chosing this or that man. I don't want to end up thinking I'm wasting my time and I'm going to waste even more if I don't do something to challenge the status quo of my relationship.

I dream about a collaborative partner, who can support me and whom I can support too, in return. I dream about a relationship in which both sides feel equally seen and recognized for their strengths and faults.

I don't want to feel ashamed for being myself, for who I am now and for who I may become. I also don't want to feel like I have to shrunk myself because I'm “too much” for the person who is standing by my side, or that I have to make myself bigger because I'm “too less” when I need to slow down or simply take a day off. If this become the case then I’ll better be honest with myself and ask why I'm with that person in the first place.

I dream about a partner who can keep up with me, without making me feel like I have to change myself. Change must be something that occurs naturally within me, not something that has to be forced from the outside. And my last relationship taught me a lot about the respect of boundaries, now I'm glad I had it. But in the moment it was an absolute mess. I was an absolute mess.

I wasn't able to stand up for myself because I didn't have any boundaries.

Humans relationships are hard to maintain solid and require a lot of inner work. I’m not the kind of person who runs away from facing problems and difficulties that need to be taken into account in order to become a better person, a better partner. I'm currently working on myself in order to become my own dream woman. I want to be as close as possible at my mental image of the woman I would really like to meet if I were another person. And said that, I'm really afraid to meet a man who is not so willing to do the same amount of work on himself (like already happened few years ago, before I started my inner work journey).

Image source: Pinterest

During the last two and a half years I acquired the knowledge I was lacking to become less easily manipulated. This means I also cultivated personal awareness about the risks we, as women, can encounter in a intimate relationship with men¹.

I now see risks I have never been used to see, and the wiser I become the least I feel attracted to the pink narrative some influencers are promoting. I don't think that married life can be commercialized, but apparently this has become the hottest trend recently.

I feel compelled to promote a more realistic vision of romantic relationships, acknowledging what can possibly go wrong and writing black on white what makes me worrying the most about marriage in itself and why the extreme idealization of marriage (so common on socials today) is so dangerous.

I can't promise to a man I'll be the best person he could ever find for the rest of his life

I'm constantly evolving, identical versions of me never represent twice. And, as I evolve, the same does my significant other.

How can I promise to a man I will evolve in his same direction?

Life is unpredictable. Humans are unpredictable…and complex beings. We strive to get to the highest point we can reach and this sometimes means leaving others behind. Those who can't keep up with our inner shift are progressively left out, in an active or passive way. So…how can I be sure I'll attract my husband for the rest of our lives? Maybe at some point we may take different paths, not even in a traumatic way. We simply evolve in different directions and understand we are no longer meant for each other. Or at least, this is what happens when compromises can't be found…but to what extent can compromises be made? I'm still wondering…

I'm afraid to be forced to become a stay at home wife

Which is absolutely something I'd hate. I like to stay home, but to relax a bit after a day at work. I don't want the house to become the one and only place I do everything that has to be done, the one and only place in which my life purpose is supposed to be completely fulfilled. I know I can be more than that, so why would I prevent me from achieving more? We live only once, I don't want to die thinking I wasted my whole life².

Moreover, I want to have my own money. Financial freedom is a non-negotiable for me. I absolutely don't want to give to a man any power over me. And money are power, everyone perfectly knows that. So better have a plan B in case something happens. This is an advice I would give also to my daughter, if I had one. As women we have to play smart and keeping our own money is an effective way to save our lives. Money can give us more strength and confidence to step out of bad (or even abusive) relationship way earlier compared to if we had no money at all. And the reason is simple: we know we can always make our way out and find a secure place. Without money it would be extremely difficult, nearly impossible. We would need to rely on trusted others, which are not always capable of or willing to help.

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I'm afraid to be forced to have children

Call me a childless cat lady, selfish, or whatever. I honestly don't care. I really don't feel the call to become a mother, and I don't know if I'll ever will. What I'm sure about now is that I don't want to have children. I don't want to bring a person into this highly uncertain world, made of unclear, rapidly changing political balances and environmental crisis. It would be way more selfish to have children despite knowing what I would throw them into.

Moreover, I'm to afraid to develop health complications due to pregnancy and delivery, or due to lack of assistance in the first months of motherhood (which are known to be extremely delicate). I care too much about my mental and physical health to deliberately decide to become sleep deprived and (maybe) depressed. I don't want to deal with heavy bleeding down there after giving birth or any other health condition I might develop in relation to pregnancy or motherhood.

But I'm not sure a man could truly understand the heaviness of my concern around this topic. Or at least, maybe at first he would…but what will happen after few years? Will he still empathize with my struggle, or wil he just think that I'm just sick and unnaturally concerned about something women did for ages and that's natural even for animals?

I'm afraid to become a nurse for the rest of my life

In my dream relationship there's no space for weaponized incompetence. If a man is not supportive, it simply means he doesn't want to. No justifications, no fancy stories and curated excuses to try to find a deeper message behind his behavior.

I'm not willing to become the mother of my husband, he already has one. He certainly doesn't need a second.

I don't want to babysit an adult man, nor I want to become his unpaid therapist. And I believe more and more women know how easily this scenario can become a reality. I experienced this in personally in my last relationship. It's draining, exhausting and with zero to little rewards. Child men harvest our inner energies way faster than we may think. And once we notice, the mechanism has already started. It's our duty to not fall into this trap and stay away, in order to be resilient.

Women are culturally associated with nurturing and care, and not only towards fragile people (like elderly and children) but also towards those who should be mature and healthy enough to take care of themselves. And that's a sick expectation to meet.

If you're not helping me as much as I help you, then you're failing as a partner. You can't even be considered as one, you turn from being an asset to be a liability. And men are not supposed to be liabilities.

Effort goes where effort flows, so don't expect mature women to support any child man.

We actively look for a partner who can provide at least the same amount of support we provide to him, and not in a monetary way. We look for a strong human connection and emotional support. We shouldn't be the only one party giving.

Image source: Pinterest

I'm afraid of falling into the trap of domestic violence

Okay, I know not all men are trash. But what if I end up with someone who's like that, without even realizing it unless it's too late? Maybe I mistake some early signals, although I'm constantly trying to educate myself in learning how to decode potential red flags and suspicious behaviors. But becoming more aware doesn't mean I will never ever fail again. As human beings we are all fallible and I'm at piece with it. I acknowledge that and that's why I'm so afraid.

So, what I feel is in my power to do, is being inflexible about not letting go what could help me stepping out of an abusive relationship, which is:

• Having a stable job/source of income;

• Having personal savings which are JUST MINE;

• Having a safe place to go in case of emergency;

• Keep on cultivating relationships with old friends and family members who know me well enough to see dangerous changes in me;

• Keeping a list of lawyers of good reputation prior needing them (who knows what can happen?)

This safety net, added to my willing to build stricter and stricter boundaries to who can have access to me, is what helps me feeling more secure. But not completely safe, unfortunately.

I don't want to have to justify to anyone what I do or don't do

Have you ever experienced a controlling relationship? I hope not. But for those who have (like me) I bet it left some scars.

Now I'm happy I got through this, because it made me smarter. I know it can sound really weird, but some mistakes are meant to show us the path to becoming a better version of ourselves. This big mistake allowed me to realize what I was hugely failing at, and after that I started to becoming more solid. I'm building boundaries day by day, promising myself I will never let anyone cross them without facing consequences.

I haven't always being like that, I had no boundaries at all for a long period of time. But by experiencing a toxic relationship I realized how much is important to have some.

Boundaries help us filtering out who's going to hurt us anyway.

I wish I realized this earlier.

Conclusions

Marriage is a serious commitment between two adults, don't turn it into a profitable -core for young girls.

This is shameful and extremely dangerous because it doesn't allow future women to have a clear and complete vision of what can happen in a marriage, of how dangerous it could become and how draining it could be if kids are involved.

Help our little girls having a complete vision, of both the good and the bad. Let them take control of the narrative, let them decide what's better for them.

This is the most girl's girl thing we can do.

Adult women should warn the youngest about the fakeness of the aesthetic because the reality slaps even harder.

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Thank you for reading all the way to here! If you enjoy what I do, consider supporting me on Ko-fi. Every little bit means the world!

I give you my best regards. We’ll see again soon!

Yours truly,

Martina.

1. In the article I will only refer to heterosexual relationships because, as an heterosexual woman, these are the only type of relationship I've ever personally experienced.

My article is also not intended to be read as a manifesto against all men. I never believed the “all men suck” statement. I truly think there are sincerely good men in this world, otherwise I wouldn't ever though to consider marriage as a possibility for me, which is what this article is about.

2. An important disclaimer have to be made here. I'm not saying I don't value housework, my point is clarifying that, personally, I wouldn't feel fulfilled enough in doing that solely. I'm not dreaming of becoming a housewife, but some women may be and that's fine. We should all be free to choose what makes us happier and no one should never ever feel entitled enough to judge our conscious choices.