No, I'm not modest at all
Every woman reclaims her sexiness in a different way. It's time to stop getting labeled for what we like to wear.
While other women often compliment me on my outfits, men seem to be intimidated by them. And I don't know why…
If you know even a little about me, you certainly know I love vintage. This means I try to be “historically accurate” even though I like to add a personal twist to my outfits.
I mainly dress in a way that can be considered “modest”, but I don't like to define myself in that way. Why? Because I don't want a blade of moral scrutiny over my head, ready to cut off whatever is not “appropriate”.
Some may think that modest is a compliment, but I personally don't really appreciate this definition of the term. And for a simple reason: if the way I dress is approved it means there are other ways that are not.
And, as a woman, the freedom to wear what I like is the bare minimum for me. It should be the same for every woman.
By not accepting the label of modest I'm privately fighting for women's right to put on whatever they like or want.
Don't tell me I'm not like other girls. I won't fall in this trap because I know we (women) are not in a competition against each other. I won't support whoever is going to put other women down. Because in the blink of an eye I could find myself on the other side, being the one who is critiqued. And I bet no one wants to be on the other side, so why should I? Empathy can make a lot easier to opt out of the judging game, which is not beneficial to anyone.
I feel sexy being myself
You know what? I don't dress “modestly” because I want to be perceived as an enlightened human being who’s above anyone else, I dress “modestly” because it makes me feel empowered. And if you think it's anti-feminist then you have to hear me out on why I think it's not.
I feel sexy when I dress in an elegant and glamorous way. I feel my best when I look in the mirror and I see I'm wearing a very well put together and feminine outfit. This is what I named elegant sexiness and makes me feel empowered even if I could be perceived as not provocative at all. Not all women want to be provocative but still feel sexy, while some want and that's perfectly fine: different women feel empowered by different things. That's why it's important to defend our freedom to choose what to wear without the ax of judgment. But the road is still bumpy, and long, and dark…
I don't like to be defined as modest because I feel like it would take away my freedom to be myself as a whole being: feminine, gracious and delicate. But also (and not secondary) bold, creative, explorative and sexy.
I want to feel sexy for myself first, I honestly give a little care about men even if I consider the appreciation and support of a possible partner very positive. I know I'm still an attractive woman even if I prefer to cover up more than what's nowadays considered “usual”. Covering up doesn't take away my sensuality, not even a little bit. I am perfectly conscious of my power and I'm ready to use it if I want.
So, no. I'm not modest at all.
Am I too much or just boring?
Despite all the feminist battles the history is full of, and the ones that are still going on around the world, for me is cristal clear that, to date, many, and especially men (but also other women, and thas’s really sad) treat women differently based on what they wear. And this scares me a lot.
I really don't like to see how easily some people make assumptions on others based on what they wear. I don't think we should regulate the respect we hold for each other only on a marginal thing, as dressing is. For real, why do we even do that? We as human beings I mean, even if I know we're not all the same. And it's a good thing.
Based on my experience, I can say people approach me in a different way and mainly for the way I dress only. Women tend to really like my aesthetic, showing appreciation for my personal style. They like to see how I combine colors, patterns and shapes or textures. I'm seen as a bit over the edge but still not so much out of reach. My closet contains many vintage pieces and I wear them proudly.
Honestly I don't know if women are more attracted by my outfits or by my attitude (because when I wear vintage I feel my best, and I act consequently). What I can't help noticing is that the majority of men seem to don't even consider me. They pass me by without even dare to talk to me. While some girlfriends of mine get approached more easily, I feel like I scare men away without even say anything. The way I present myself is apparently more than enough. I'm really curious to know what they think about when they look at me, but I'm not enough daring to ask.
Maybe the fact that I like to dress very elegant even for casual occasions is a turn off for some reason? Maybe men automatically opt out because they think I'm just too much for them? Am I too high maintenance? Do they think they won't be able to provide for a woman who puts so much effort into herself? Am I too confident? Maybe they think they have to work way harder to get me compared to other women?
Or maybe the opposite is true. Do men find me unattractive because I'm not showing enough skin, according to their taste? Do they think I'm too religious or boring? Do they see me as someone who doesn't know how to spice up a romantic relationship?
If there is any man reading this I would really appreciate if you could help me make some clarity around those questions. And, if you are a woman, have you ever experienced something similar to what I've just described?
I tried to give myself some answers, but I would really like to hear more opinions.
Maybe I'm just filtering out the men who are not willing to put some effort in courting me. Not all men want to chase after all, some hope to find an easier way to get what they want. Not everyone wants to dress up and pay a lot to go to a five star restaurant when is actually possible to go to McDonald's wearing stained pants (and I hope you get the metaphor).
But if they think that way (or the other, considering me as a not enough interesting person) it means they are applying a moral scrutiny on my style and way of dressing, and I absolutely don't like it. I know it could be difficult to overcome the cultural patterns we all grew up into, but as adults we should definitely try at least to see things slightly differently. It's a duty to learn to be more open-minded.
While I'm waiting for that day to come, the one in which we'll be able to simply acknowledge what others bring without judging harshly, I'm reclaiming women's freedom to wear what we want by supporting other queens expressing their true selves.
I don't need to judge or put other people down (and especially women, since we are judged more easily) to feel confident. My confidence shines from within myself, despite what you may think about me.
Thank you for reading all the way to here! If you enjoy what I do, consider supporting me on Ko-fi. Every little bit means the world!
I give you my best regards. We’ll see again soon!
Yours truly,
Martina.